Posts tagged rant

so everytime i think a guy is cute, particularly one whom i have interest in, all these thoughts start running through my head. maybe its the fact tht ive been heartbroken, or the fact tht i like to keep my guard up, or the fact tht im insecure..or maybe a combination of all three. i hate falling. even if its just a crush. i repeatedly wonder how on earth anyone else could survive in any type of romantic relationship with me? theres too many things wrong with me. i mean, i do try to be a fun/funny/outgoing person, but i seriously think tht my semi-quick irritability, pickiness, insecurity, etc. just arent characteristics a guy would wna deal with. i admit, im high maintenance & hard to handle. and i know for a straight fact, some guys dnt like tht. but i also know tht i dnt wna change myself for them, cuz honestly, ive been soo high maintenance ever since i was a child. my mom started me with osh kosh b’gosh, haha. 

im the type of girl who generally cnt be in public without wearing makeup (unless im just running errands, then i dnt mind going bare-faced). im the type of girl who takes her time getting ready, and if you know me personally, know tht do take my sweet ass time. haha. i can never reale go somewhere in sweats, i run late at times, i can literally spend 2 hrs. in a forever 21, i always have to do my nails, grass irritates my skin, i frequently apply sunblock to protect my skin, and i like/wnt designer things, even though most of the time im terribly broke as a joke. even though i admit tht i am a materialistic girl, thts not all tht matters to me, because even the smallest of gestures can make me happy, like hugs for instance. :] i do have other goals in life, and wht i am thinking at this moment arent nearly enough thoughts to add up to the person i am creating  myself to be.

since i feel like my bad can outweigh the good sometimes, i still dnt think a guy would wna take a risk with me. i just dnt feel up to par…

i hate falling. i get stupid, clumsy, and any other adjective tht would describe stupid. ive given it some thought, and ive realized tht a guy isnt part of my future plan. even as a child i could never truly picture myself married in the future. i cnt exactly recall an old married couple who are still fiery and wild about each other. i dnt think i have a close enough model to reale see how true love can be, so i would rather not take a risk. when it comes to love nowadays, i like to play it safe. cuz to me, independence, strength, and happiness are soo much better than dependence, weakness, and despair…

but most of all, anything is better than heartache.

-mariel

p.s. damn you physical contact for leading toward attraction, damn you…

im not anyones backup. not anyones option. not anyones last resort. if you wna talk to me, then talk. not just cuz youre bored, not cuz you dnt have anything better to do, but because you actually wnt to. talk because you actually wnt to conversate with me. im too much of an analytical person to deal with any consistent small talk frm anyone. i enjoy having deep, random, philosophical, and interpersonal conversations. so please dnt leave me freakn hanging.

as a comm major, this is starting to get a little irritating.

talk if you wna talk, dnt if you dnt wnt to. if i bore you, thts fine. no ones forcing you.

-mariel